the girl who owns the world

1. Productivity and Celibacy

I am extremely focused on art, school, or a project, and I become mostly blinded to everything else. I do not eat properly, or hardly at all because I am so busy to even think about eating. Socialization feels like a chore, or something that’s in the way of my bigger goals or aspirations. I am extremely annoyed with people, and a bit on edge generally. Anxiety is low to medium. This I would say is the “sweet spot” or “being in the zone.” This tends to last for a few days, maybe a week. This state of being is not sustainable. 

2. Relief and Vulnerability

I come back to the world eventually, but more fragile, vulnerable, and tired. I begin to feel more anxiety about the art or work that I just made, but anxiety is still low to medium. I begin to become more socially engaged with others. If the project is one that requires promotion, at this point, I am too exhausted to do it. I start to get back into typical routines, and worries about love, life, and happiness. This is self-care, or re-humanization. The fall back stage lasts for a few days to a week. 

3. Anxiety and The Living state

Project completed or done for now, I gradually slip into familiar defeatist mindsets and over-thinking. I am trying to cope with life, and reality. I am sad or lost more frequently. I begin to worry or stress almost obsessively about several things-one of them being romance or love. I analyze the overall importance of my work, or projects in the grand scheme of things, and compare myself to others to the point where it negatively affects my mental attitude. Feelings start off low intensity, and increase gradually.

I am still able to complete smaller projects at this time, or less intense work. I am more social, and am more emotional-both happy and sad. This stage has peaks and valleys of emotions, and I often seek advice from others about romance, or other issues that bother me. This can last for a week, or several weeks. 

4. Ideas and Tension 

I have a new idea or project to work on, but this causes some cognitive dissonance. I wonder if this idea is worthwhile to work on, I worry about starting-especially if I have other unfinished or uncompleted work,  and if I have the necessary skills or time to complete it. This will typically involve brainstorming or idea forming. It is a generative state that lifts me somewhat from my negative thoughts. There is a great amount of uncertainty, and I have not decided whether or not I will commit to this work. 

The idea of work excites me and  me from the monotony of life, and I can become very excitable. I will talk quickly, and shake my hands or just become really excited in the moment.

Mostly, I will fall back to state 3, and less frequently than I’d like, I will move to the first state of actually getting something done.