I can only get so far, and then I get there, and I am stuck. I used to never be able to spend time with queer people. Now I like to.
I used to never be able to make queer friends. Now I have some. I have some, and I am amassing many. Still, sometimes it is hard to talk to new queer people because I feel immediately frightened.
But what about love, or something else?
I am scared to go there. And, I say, it’s because I’ve been rejected so many times. Any lover, dating, or whatever has been purely accidental-I remark to anyone who will listen, or anyone who asks me.
But it’s not accidental. It’s been absolutely on purpose I have sought people out, and been in tenuous at best relationships. I don’t believe this is because I am a horrible person, it’s just a failure to get beyond a certain point.
People know when you are nervous. I cannot dance with a girl like you would dance with a girl. I dance with people I might like or want to know better like friends. Like we are in high school, and we all went to the dance together. I don’t mind making advances and being rejected, but I don’t even get there.